ADHD and People Pleasing: Why You’re Exhausted by Your Friends

 Welcome to the Outsmart, A DHD podcast. I'm your host, Jamie Catino, board certified occupational therapist. Two-time Ted Speaker, A DHD coach, A DHD, advocate and Reality Show, contestant. Now let's talk about A DH. D.

  Hello, beautiful humans. How are you doing today? I'm super stoked to talk about this. I'm not sure what exactly inspired this idea. Maybe thinking about the boundaries that I have in my life in every part of my life and how I accommodate myself in every part of my life. And one way that I accommodate myself is the friendships that I have.

If you are a human that likes to connect with other people, AKA, a human, I'm not talking about being extroverted. I'm not an extroverted person. I'm talking about. Needing human connection. Friendships are probably important to you, and if they're not important to you, it probably is because they feel overwhelming and exhausting and they're not giving much to your life, and you feel like you're putting a lot more into 'em than you are getting out, which is exactly what I'm gonna be talking about today.

There's a really good chance that you are the therapist of your friend group. You're the person that everybody goes to for advice or the person that everyone brings all of their shit to just deal with instead of them dealing with it themselves. There's a difference between someone who uses you as a sounding board sometimes, and then.

Someone who becomes nothing but a soundboard. And that's what we're talking about today. A lot of people go into helping professions because they want to help people, but oftentimes those people. Also become the helper in their friend groups. And being helpful is helpful until it's no longer helpful for you, and then it completely destroys your nervous system and makes you not wanna get outta bed or go to your job or be a functional human.

Do not underestimate the power that having soul sucking relationships has on every part of your life. Today we're gonna be talking about platonic. Friendships. There will be another day where we talk about relationships romantic relationships, but that'll be for another day. Now, let's talk about some signs that you have, some trash boundaries with your friends.

An example would be you pick up the phone or text someone back even when you don't have the energy. If you don't have the thought. Do I have the energy or the focus or the want to talk to this person right now before actually engaging? You have some trash boundaries. It doesn't mean you're a trash person.

It means you have some trash boundaries. I've been there, my clients have been there. You're not a bad person, but this happens with a ADHDers. So often we are taught that everything that we do is wrong and that we need to fill in the spaces for everybody else. We're taught that we have nothing but shortcomings.

Internalized ableism makes us feel like we have to overextend ourselves to make other people more comfortable, and this absolutely makes its way into friendships. So that sign with number one before you pick up the phone or text someone back, you see someone's calling you. You don't even consider how you are feeling or if you want to engage with that person.

Another sign that you have trash boundaries with your friends is that you say yes to plans when you desperately want to say no. If you find yourself going on outings or even meeting up on a zoom call when you just do not have the energy or you find yourself not doing the things that you. Enjoy doing with yourself that give you energy and you say yes to other people before saying yes to yourself.

If you are always saying yes to other people before saying yes to yourself, you have trash boundaries. Friendships can be amazing and they can be fulfilling.

But if you are not first taking care of yourself. Your friendships are going to suffer.

You may have trash boundaries if you feel like you have to save your friends from every crisis that they go through. All of this is not on your shoulders. It is very much a trauma response to try to fix everyone else's life because you know what it's like to not have the support in yours or to feel hopeless.

But you have trash boundaries. If you feel intense panic for not being able to be somebody's everything. If you have somebody in mind right now who dumps all of their shit on you, and you feel like you cannot say no to this person because if you say no, something terrible is going to happen to them. You have trash boundaries with that friend.

Again, it does not make you a bad person, but you do have some trash boundaries. Now, those are some things to reflect on yourself. Those are things that are happening with you. Nobody can make you have trash boundaries. The world that we live in, having internalized ableism, it contributes to all of these things, but it is your personal responsibility to set boundaries with people.

Now let's talk about if you might need to find some different friends. Here are some signs. So part one, we talked about things that you're doing that need to be changed, but let's talk about the type of people that you're interacting with because that is equally as important. If you are always on the receiving end of bitching, you may need to find some new friends.

Friendship is reciprocal. It goes both ways. It doesn't mean that every single conversation is going to be give and take. There are gonna be some times that you're going through more shit, and there's gonna be some times that they're going through some more shit. It. But overall, if that friendship is not give and take, you may need to find some different friends if you are never able to talk about your shit, because they are always talking about theirs.

They're always going through a crisis, and they do not. Allow any space for you when you're going through yours, that's a sign that you need some different friends. Now, it is very possible that you can both be going through some shit and not be able to be each other's support person, and that's okay.

You can be a healthy person and need more support than what your friend is able to give you, but it's. On the responsibility of the person going through it to find that support and it's on their, it's the responsibility of the person on the receiving end to tell that person that they're not able to be your support in that moment, and that's okay.

A healthy friend is going to want to know this. A healthy friend is not gonna want to be giving you more than you are able to carry without affecting your mental health in a detrimental way. They don't want to give you that. A healthy person wants to know. A lot of times with my friends, we will ask each other, Hey, are you in a good place right now?

Mentally, I'm going through some stuff and if I'm not, or they're not, they'll say it. Direct comm communication can be incredibly helpful when it comes to setting boundaries.

Another sign that you might need some different friends is that you always feel exhausted after speaking to them. And this goes along the lines of if this person's always dumping their crap on you, but you're not able to re have it be a reciprocal relationship. I have friends who. Have gone through a lot of shit for long periods of time, and I've also been that person who's gone through a lot of shit for longer periods of time.

But when I speak to those friends, it is an exhausting, I think that there's something in your body or something that knows that this is a give and take relationship, and therefore it doesn't feel exhausting talking to that person. If you feel exhausted talking to someone after every time you're talking to them, listen to that, your body is telling you something.

Another sign that you might need some different friends is that if your friends bitch about the same problem that's in their control over and over again without taking any responsibility or having any interest in changing or finding a solution. I am talking about they cannot stand their job, but they refuse to even do an application.

They cannot stand their partner, but they refuse to even consider what life would look like without them. Things that are in their control that they refuse to acknowledge responsibility for and tackle it head on, that is going to be exhausting. You do not owe them. An unconditional soundboard for a problem that they have no interest in taking responsibility for and finding a solution for.

There are therapists that get paid a lot of money, and even those therapists help their clients come up with solutions. You do not need to be working harder on your friend's problems than they are willing to work on themselves. I have a friend and I love her dearly. I still do, and she would tell me about her girlfriend, her on again, off again, girlfriend, who after this person made it very obvious that they're a very toxic person and not capable of having a relationship.

She kept going back to this person and I eventually told her, Hey, you have used up all of your time talking about this person with me. I am no longer accepting any more conversation about this person unless you're telling me that you're leaving them. I have no space left and she didn't talk about her anymore.

Now she's in a really great relationship apparently, and I'm looking forward to meeting her, but. I refuse to be just a sounding board for when things, inevitably, when shit inevitably hit the fan by Monday when they got together again on Thursday night. I am not going to be a personal sounding board.

Therapists get paid a lot of money to help people. I get paid really good money to help people, but even in my coaching practice, I am not a sounding board for people who don't take responsibility. And look for solutions

to be able to decipher if this person is looking for solutions or just a sounding board. Ask them, Hey, you've talked about this quite a bit. Are you looking for someone to just listen or are you looking for solutions? And what they respond is gonna tell you a lot.

It is exhausting being a soundboard, but for those of us who enjoy helping people, it can be energy giving to help somebody come up with solutions. I know that in my coaching practice, even though I'm a pretty introverted person, it gives me energy to help people solve their problems. It's exciting and.

It is exactly like that in friendships too. It can be exciting to help to solve problems, but it's exhausting just being a soundboard to listen to all the bullshit that they decided that they're not gonna deal with. Their lack of responsibility for their life does not become your problem unless you decide to make it your problem.

And by having trash boundaries, you're deciding to make it your problem. You're taking all of the sadness or anger or whatever that they're going through, putting it on your shoulders and saying, that's okay. I'll carry it for you. Stop doing that shit.

You do not need to be everybody's savior. For those of us who have come from some troubled childhoods, maybe had undiagnosed disabilities for a long time, so many of us had undiagnosed A DHD and or autism or PTSD or whatnot for a lot of years, and we know how terrible it feels to not have somebody in our corner.

It can be really tempting as a trauma response too, to look at somebody going through it thinking that you can save them from the pain that they're inevitably going to feel. But as someone who is helpful, I think this is gonna resonate with you by being somebody's soundboard and not forcing them to.

Find their own solutions. You're keeping them from learning the lesson or finding the solution on their own. You're making it comfortable for them to not have to look for solutions. A really good friend isn't someone who is endlessly a martyr. A really good friend is someone who has really solid boundaries who will be there for you when shit hits the fan, and then we'll ask you.

What do you think you're gonna do about it after you've vape? Been able to verbally process all the shit. Think about what you would want from a friend. There are times that you want to just verbally process and let out all the feelings, and you don't want advice. Absolutely. That can be so regulating for your nervous system.

But overall, don't you want a friend that's gonna tell you, Hey. You know that there's an option outside of the one that you've been picking over and over again. I'm sure that you're that person because you wouldn't listen to a podcast like this if you were not a solution oriented person.

Having friendships that drain the life out of you, it will not just affect that friendship. It will affect your ability to function from day to day. It will affect your ability to. Even clean your house to go to work. The good friendships that you do have, the healthy friendships you have, it's going to affect your ability to nurture those.

It's gonna affect the time and the energy that you have and to doing things that just make you happy. I spend a lot more time watching reality TV than I do listening to my friends bitch about the same things over and over again that are in their control. And I can say I've always done that.

It has been a very conscious and deliberate practice. It's been something that I've had coaches and therapists help me with, which is why I would love to help you because you deserve a life that. Has energy and you're able to do things that make you happy and you enjoy the relationships that you have, and they don't feel like a weight on your shoulders.

If this resonated with you, I wanna have a conversation with you because if you think that your trash relationships aren't affecting your career and your life, you are so wrong. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about how your boundaries being implemented with your friends. It is going to transform your life.

In the show notes, you're going to see a link where you can sign up for a call with me. It's a free call, and I do not do pushy sales tactics because guess what? I'm way too ethical of a human and I'm really good at what I do, and I don't have to do these sales tactics to get enough clients. So click the show notes.

Let's have a conversation. I wanna know all the things that is going on in your personal life, in your career, and to help you unfuck the fuckery that is. In the show notes, you're also going to see a free webinar for A DHD. Women who Are Ready to Rage quit their job. If that resonates with you, click that link and you'll be able to get a free webinar that comes right to your inbox.

And before I forget, can you take a moment to rate this PO rate this podcast rating? The podcast is a really great way to help the algorithm push out the podcast to more people so that they can get help that they may not have otherwise been able to.

I hope that you are ready to take responsibility for the relationships in your life because I can promise you that there is so much more energy and happiness on the other side. I will talk to you next time my friends. Bye now.

 Are you a high achieving woman with a DHD looking for a coach or maybe an event coordinator looking for a wildly captivating speaker? Perfect. Go to outsmart adhd.co. That's out. Smart adh adhd.co to get in touch. And before I forget, would you mind taking a minute to share this podcast with someone you love?

It would mean the world to me. Thanks, my friend. Until next time.