You Can’t Rest Your Way Out of Dysregulation (but you CAN do this!)

  Hello, gorgeous humans. Happy Wednesday. How the heck are you doing today? I am so excited to talk to you about this because there is this huge misconception that if I'm feeling dysregulated, it's because I just need to rest more. And although rest can sometimes be a helpful tool to feel more regulated depending on how you're resting.

Specifically, if you're meeting sensory needs, 99% of the time, it's not the type of rest that you're thinking about. So let's talk about it, because I know that there are so many amazing, talented, overstimulated, dysregulated humans listening to this podcast, and despite being incredibly intelligent and an amazing problem solver.

This is one area of your life that you've not been taught how the fuck to problem solve. So let's talk about it. First of all, let's talk about what dysregulation is. It is a cue from your body telling you that you need more or less of something. This is a cue from your nervous system saying, we need more of this, or This needs to fucking stop.

It's a cue from your body, which you've probably been taught. Maybe not directly, maybe directly, but probably not directly to detach from how your body's feeling internally and just, perform like a robot on a day-to-day basis, which is why it can be really challenging to even recognize when you're feeling dysregulated if you are not sure what the signs are.

So let's talk a little bit more about what those signs are, signs that you're feeling dysregulated. Even worse. Executive functioning. Executive functioning. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know is. Controlled by your frontal lobe, which is underdeveloped. When you have a DHD, it's your ability to start a task, finish a task, switch tasks, prioritize, organize, everything that you need to do to make a piece of toast or get into the shower, or go to work and perform work tasks.

Everything requires executive functioning, and that's why everything in life feels harder when you have a DHD. The next sign that you're feeling dysregulated is intense emotional reactions. Your frontal lobe also controls your ability to emotionally regulate, which is why we're already at a disadvantage by having a DHD.

But these emotional reactions and fluctuations sometimes looking like mood swings get even worse when we're feeling dysregulated. A low frustration tolerance. When you feel like if one more thing happens, I'm gonna fucking lose it. I've been there. I know you've been there. We have all been there. And rejection sensitive.

Dysphoria rejection sensitive dysphoria is perceived rejection. And this often happens when there's no actual rejection going on. For those of you who own an online business, this can be, oh, I don't wanna put this post out because everyone's gonna hate me if I do it,

or I'm not gonna go to that event because no one's gonna like me

without even having any evidence that people wouldn't think that you're the greatest time ever. Rejection sensitive dysphoria, it feels like a gut punch. It is like one of the worst feelings in the world when you have a DHD. It sucks, but it gets so much worse and it is so much more common when you are feeling dysregulated.

Now, why does it matter to know when we're feeling dysregulated? Chronic dysregulation is gonna cause a lot of issues in a lot of different places of your life.

Like your platonic and romantic relationships and your professional relationships, we see issues in mental health, your self-esteem, your trouble having the drive to pursue goals, issues at work. These are really big things. These are huge categories of your life. Are they not? What the fuck doesn't fit into one or all or more of those categories?

That's why it is so important to understand when you're feeling dysregulated and then to do something about it and no sleep is not the answer.

So again. Dysregulation is happening because your body's telling you that you have needs that are not being met. You need more or less of something. So step into detective mode with me. I am putting on my detective hat. Do you have yours on? Perfect. Great. Let's get into it. What is causing your dysregulation?

First of all, let's look at your environment for a second. Is your environment conducive to feeling calm and at peace? And by calm, I'm not saying it needs to be a quiet environment. For some people that can be incredibly dysregulating. Does your environment give you the opportunity to feel at peace? Now in the workplace, that could be, do you have enough stimulation or too much stimulation going on?

Are you someone that needs music to be able to focus or some type of white noise, or are you someone that just cannot focus if you have any noise going on around you? For me, this flip flopped when I was. In high school, I had a really hard time getting any work done in the classroom when it would be quiet, quiet time, whatever.

And now I have a really hard time focusing on a damn thing if there isn't something, or now I have a hard time focusing if there's anything going on around me, but that can change from place to place when I'm doing something like.

The chores around my house, I need to be listening to a podcast or an audio book, or else I am not able to focus. Music even doesn't sometimes do enough for me because it is not stimulating enough. If you wanna see me get pissed off and overstimulated or understimulated, tell me to go do the dishes without having anything to listen to while I'm doing it, it'll piss me off.

Do you have dogs that are constantly barking, keeping you from being able to focus? Do you have kids that are screaming that are keeping you from being able to enjoy what the hell is on TV because you are trying to decompress after work? These are all things that can be happening in your environment that can be overstimulating or un under stimulating, even down to what you are wearing.

If you have a pair of really tight pants on and it's cutting off right where your belly button is at, that is one thing that irritates the shit out of me. As soon as I gain any weight, I'm buying new pants because I can have anything cutting into my stomach. That can be enough to set you over the edge to where you are feeling very dysregulated, even a tag in your shirt.

So look at your environment in different environments. Are you getting what you need? Are you addressing in a way that meets your sensory needs? Are you getting too much or not enough of the noise that you need to be able to focus and to feel okay? Do need a fidget look at your environment and the sensory needs.

All right. The second category relationships. This is a place that can cause you to be dysregulated that you may not even realize is causing you to be dysregulated because you are acting in a way that you have been programmed to act since you were a child. Are you being asked to give more than you can give?

Do you have friends? Are you the go-to friend the. Pseudo therapist where whenever anyone's having a problem, you're the person that they call. And instead of asking yourself if you have the energy or the spoons, if you know about spoon theory, if you have the energy or the capacity to be that person for them, do you answer the phone before even asking yourself that question?

That can be very dysregulating. Do you have trouble saying no to any request in your romantic or platonic relationships? Do you come home from work and have a spouse that's asking you what's for dinner? When you haven't even had a moment to decompress, do you not feel like you can ask them what's for dinner?

Because you have inherently taken on that job because you are programmed to believe that you were the only person that does that job. Do you feel like a bad person if you give more time to yourself than you give others? Many of us are introverted. Though we are outgoing and people like us, so we have been taught that we're extroverted or we believed in ourselves.

It wasn't until COVID that I realized just how introverted I actually am. I can be outgoing with the right people. I love my clients that I work with, but when it comes to decompressing and getting energy, I have to do that alone. And if you are like me and you feel like that, but. You are giving all of your extra time to other people.

It's going to be incredibly dysregulating and it's actually gonna cause resentment. I was that person for so long. I had no idea how much I was resenting people in my life, simply because I didn't know how to hold a boundary with myself.

Now the next area that we look are gonna look at is mental health. And what I see that cause a lot of dysregulation is a lot of internalized ableism.

Ableism being, I should be able to do this. Ableism is favoring someone who doesn't have a disability over someone that does have a disability, and you can have a lot of internalized ableism that comes out in, I should be able to do this. I shouldn't need X, Y, Z. It can even be as simple as I am not going to Door Dash because I should be able to go to the grocery store and get food and go home and make it.

And I am wasting money if I'm doing that. And in doing so, you don't end up feeding yourself because you just didn't have the capacity. And the only way that you'd be able to eat in that moment is to be able to DoorDash some damn food.

So internalize able is, it really causes you to not accommodate yourself. Accommodations can come in so many different forms, whether it be modifying your environment, something as simple as ordering food for yourself, creating a work environment that suits your sensory needs. I.

Another thing that can affect your mental health is if you feel like you need to be more but don't know how, and that causes feelings of helplessness. The people that come to me, they're oftentimes overachievers. They're pretty much always overachievers. It's the type of people that I attract and they feel like they need to do more and give more and be more for other people and for themselves.

They feel like they need to be more successful in their work than they already are. They need to be a better parent. This is how they're feeling and the feelings of, I am never ever gonna be enough that has been programmed by their family, by society, by friends, by teachers, by loved ones. This feeling can feel like a giant weight on your shoulders, and like no matter what you do, you're never going to be good enough.

Unfortunately, the answer to that problem is deconstructing the internalized ableism. First of all, recognizing it, and oftentimes finding that professional that can help you to really deconstruct what the fuck is going on,

and to help you to feel okay implementing accommodations and boundaries that work with your brain. Now the next place that we see issues is lack of accommodations in your environment at work. Again, do you have an office chair that feels comfortable to you? I just bought this amazing office chair that I can sit crisscross applesauce in, and it has been making my life so much better during calls with my clients or calls in with my, even my coach or masterminds that I'm in.

It has been so regulating for me to be able to feel my butt on the chair, but also be able to wiggle around and put my feet on the floor as much as I need without having to adjust every single thing on my desk and my computer. It's been amazing. Are you accommodating yourself in your work environment?

Do you need noise canceling headphones? Because everyone won't shut the fuck up and you need to have quietness to be able to focus, or do you need to have some headphones on and listening to music so that you can focus or white noise? Another issue that can cause, or another thing that can cause issues in the workplace is again, saying yes to everything.

A lack of boundaries. You are going to hear it over and over in this episode and other episodes because this in itself is one thing that I see in 100% of my clients when they start with me, a lack of boundaries saying yes to everyone. Oftentimes this comes from getting all of your self-esteem from what you accomplish because you've been taught your entire life that you're not good at things.

You're not smart because you know you had a hard time in the traditional school system, which is not meant for A DHD brains. They do not teach you how to accommodate yourself. So therefore you go into the workplace with that same programming.

So then you find yourself in the workplace not knowing how to accommodate yourself, not knowing how to work within your fluctuating energy, not knowing how to help your executive functioning by doing something as simple as writing down two things that you have to do that day. And then going with the thing that you have the energy for.

Something as simple as that is an accommodation that can be absolutely life changing. And I'm not talking about accommodations like HR accommodations. I'm talking about things that you can do for yourself to help improve your ability to get things done. Feeling like you can't say no to someone in the workplace also comes back to feeling like you have to get your self esteem from somewhere. And if I don't get it from doing all these amazing things, where am I going to get it? But the thing is, you agree to things when you have the capacity. That are way outside of your job description, and then you don't have time or the energy or the capacity, not even time.

It's capacity to do those things and then you feel like a failure, and it's really easy to look at an issue like this and say, okay, this is my boss's problem. But the issue wasn't really your boss, it was that. You are capable of doing these things, but you do not have the capacity and you do not have the internal understanding of how your body and your energy works, and therefore you say yes to things that you really should be saying no to or should be putting stipulations around it.

That can be incredibly dysregulating and it can feel like the weight on your shoulder gets heavier and heavier. And that is one of the huge reasons that people hire me as their coach. Alright, and the last category we're gonna talk about where dysregulation can take a toll is where you're pursuing your personal goals.

Again, not knowing how to accommodate yourself is gonna make it really hard to use executive dysfunctioning or executive functioning to be able to get things done. If you're having a hard time getting work tasks done, how the fuck are you gonna be able to go home and do something that's really important to you?

To do that you need to know how to support your executive functioning. How are you able to get things done? Do you have some type of routines that help you stay grounded? Do you have. A flexibility in your process that will allow for when you have higher energy days or lower energy days because again, that cue from your body that dysregulation is a cue that not always that you have too much of something, but sometimes that you don't have enough of something, which is why rest in itself is oftentimes not the solution.

Even if you're dysregulated and getting too much of something.

This can cause issues. This regulation can cause issues if you dunno the first step and you only see the finalized picture 'cause it's hard to get started and it can cause feelings of hopelessness. And when the fuck have feelings of hopelessness ever helped you to be able to accomplish your goals? Never.

And again, rejection sensitive dysphoria, especially if you're pursuing personal goals that require you to take a risk, put yourself out there. It can keep you from

believing you can ever do it before you even get started. Okay. Now these are really big issues. I am so aware of that, but this is not a podcast where we just talk about issues and we don't talk about solutions because that would piss me off, wasn't it? Piss you off. There's a reason why there is a group of you who have been loyal standing by every single episode, because I'm gonna give you some solutions at the end of every episode.

All right, so step one in this is to ask yourself what you need in every situation. What do you need from your friend? What do you need from your lover? What do you need from your workplace and what can you give to yourself? Now is the time to not go looking outward for answers. It's time to go looking inward because these issues, despite how huge they are and how much they have absolutely manifested to become something in your external world, they are.

Coming from internal issues of a lack of boundaries and self accommodations, ask yourself, what do I need in this situation? What do I need from these people? What do I need from myself? What does my body need to feel? Calm and regulated?

Your internal problems are not understanding how to support your executive functioning and your emotional regulation and setting boundaries. Nine times outta 10, or I would argue 10 times out of 10 when you are having a problem and you are feeling dysregulated, it is coming back to one or more of those three things, which is executive functioning issues, emotional regulation issues, and setting boundaries.

And setting boundaries in itself is going to help you. With your emotional regulation and your emotional, having emotional regulation is gonna be able to help you to accommodate your executive functioning. So that's why in my coaching, I oftentimes start right there with the boundaries. What does your life look like at work?

Are you the yes person? Are you the go-to person? Are you the go-to person in your friend group? Oftentimes, the go-to person is the go-to person, not only at work, but in the personal life and vice versa.

There are other issues where I get into, tactical strategies of executive functioning and setting boundaries and whatnot, but the truth of it is, despite how shitty it is to hear, is that that takes. Deep, deep work, and it's not a simple 1, 2, 3. This is how you do these steps because I can tell you how to set a boundary.

I can tell you how to say no, but you have to internally feel okay enough with yourself to set that boundary and have enough self-worth and self-esteem and deconstruct enough internalized ableism to know that it is okay. As a person to say no and to feel good and to serve yourself before you serve others, which is what takes the deep work.

I hope that this has helped you to see some areas in your life that are causing dysregulation. You are not alone on this path. I have been there. I am. A recovering people pleaser who is really good at saying no now. But that took deep work with a really fantastic coach. And some work with therapists too.

But if I'm being so honest, I didn't more of this work with my Audi DHD Thera or Audi DHD coach than I ever did my therapist. It takes someone understanding how your brain works and the issues that come. When you have an A DH, an UN accommodated A DHD brain, having an invisible disability is something that only people with invisible disabilities are going to be able to truly understand and help you through.

And it would be even better to work with someone like an occupational therapist who is able to help you to meet your sensory needs and help you with those. Interpersonal issues and how to express them to those that you care about so that you are not tearing down all of your friendships and your relationships and your workplace.

Like me, an occupational therapist or an A DHD coach. In the show notes, you are going to see a link where you can sign up for a free consult with me. I would love to help you through all of these issues. This is my specialty. If you are struggling with these things, I know that I can help you. And I would love to chat with you on a 30 minute call to see what's going on in your life and how I can help you through it.

Now, for a freebie in the show notes, you're also gonna see a link for a free webinar, which is titled, before You Rage Quit Your Job, try this. If this episode resonates with you, you are going to love that webinar. It is on demand, it is free. It is 22 minutes long, and it's on YouTube, so if you speed it up two times, it's gonna be about 12 minutes.

Listen to it while you do your dishes or on your way to work.

And lastly, would you take a moment to rate and review this podcast? Every five star review on Apple Podcast? I am going to be thanking you personally on here.

Okay. When you rate and review the podcast, it pushes the episode out to other people who may not otherwise be able to get this information and desperately need it. It's an act of kindness for me, but also for the others who will be able to benefit from this information. Alright, my friends. That's it for now.

I will talk to you next time. Bye now.