If You Were Never Taught Boundaries… Now What?

 Welcome to the Outsmart, A DHD podcast. I'm your host, Jamie Catino, board certified occupational therapist. Two-time Ted Speaker, A DHD coach, A DHD, advocate and Reality Show, contestant. Now let's talk about A DH. D.

  Hello, gorgeous, beautiful humans. How the heck are you? I am so excited to talk to you more about boundaries. Yes, you heard it right? Boundaries. We do not talk about them enough. It is something that 100% of my clients have struggled with prior to working with me. It's something that we do very deep work on.

It's something that I had to do very deep work on with my coach. It is something that is so underrated, not talked about enough, and not talked about in a way that I. Is empowering. I think there's way too much emphasis put on being a martyr, being someone who is passive, who says yes to everybody. For moms, you're taught that you're a good mom if you do absolutely everything for your kids all of the time.

If you, or in a marriage, you're taught that you're, if you do everything for your partner all the time, that you're a good partner. Think about it. When you try to defend yourself or if you ever have felt like you need to defend yourself of, why am a good person, you probably list off a bunch of things that you do For other people, it is ingrained in our society, especially as women and those who are assigned female at birth.

That you are a good person if you are constantly giving to other people. But the problem with that is that you will burn yourself out. You won't be able to give to anybody, let alone yourself. Your dreams die and you wake up one day and say, what the fuck is this life? I was doing everything that everybody told me to do.

Unfortunately, what you're programmed to think is healthy. Is not healthy and that's okay because we are gonna talk about it today. And I don't care if you are 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, it is never too late to set a healthy boundary. You are not

hopeless. I. Setting boundaries, healthy boundaries is a skill that anybody can learn. So if you have ever felt like, yeah, that all sounds great, but I can't do it, it only means that you don't have the skills yet. So let's get into it. I.

Let's first define what a boundary is. A boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area, a dividing line.

Boundaries can be physical, mental, emotional.

Boundaries, interweave. Every part of human relationships, whether you have them or whether you don't, they're are either there or there is a lack of, but they are present in every relationship. Everybody has boundaries. Some people have incredibly loose boundaries or almost nonexistent boundaries.

A boundary is simply what you will allow into your life and what you will consciously not allow into your life. So let's talk about. What it looks like if you have shit boundaries. I am gonna say this with so much love as someone who struggled with all of these things that I'm going to talk with you about.

So know that I'm talking with you as someone who has been through this, who has done the deep work, who's on the other side, who still consciously works on boundaries myself. Because work with boundaries is never over. Even after you have established healthy boundaries, it still takes work to upkeep them, especially if you were ever programmed to not have boundaries, which many of us were programmed to not have boundaries since we were just a kid, or whether we were in relationships that taught us not to.

So what it looks like, if you've got some shit boundaries. You are probably the yes person at work, the go-to person for all things, especially because you're wildly capable and you're very intelligent, and I know you are because those type of people come into my circle. You're probably the go-to person.

You're a really good problem solver, so people think, you know what? They can do it. I know they can. Here you go, and you become the yes person. You allow your boss and your colleagues to put anything on your plate, and you may even. Enjoy being that person that does everything for everybody all the time.

You may enjoy being that go-to person, but you never seem to be the person that says, no, I have enough on my plate. You can give that to or just no, because no is a full sentence. So you're taking on a lot of work, a lot more than you were hired to do. You're scared to speak up in personal relationships.

In your romantic relationship. You're scared to even just say your preferences. Maybe something as simple as where you're gonna go out to eat, or telling someone to pick up their clothes and put it in the hamper. You assume that all of the home responsibilities are yours without saying anything to them or demanding and raising the bar that they act in a different way.

There's probably not a conversation about the

dividing of home chores and home duties, the vision of labor. Because you take on all of it. Why would there have to be a conversation when you do all of it yourself,

even in your friendships, you are not someone that speaks your mind. If you come across a friend who thinks very different than you politically or has a different idea or even is less informed on something than you are, you're someone who will just quietly sit and listen and accept that. What they have to say is valid, even if you know that they are incredibly wrong, but you don't feel like you have the strength or that you are worthy of having that voice being heard.

Your free time is spent on others despite checking in with yourself first. When someone asks you if you wanna do something with them or for them, you don't first ask yourself, Hey, do I even wanna do this thing? You are all in on helping them no matter what, because you were taught that being a helpful person is what is righteous and good, whatever the fuck, righteous and good means.

So therefore, you are everybody's go-to person. You're the.

Appointed therapist of your friend group, despite not being a therapist. You are the person that someone asks to watch their kids when they're out of town even though you're fucking tired and you have your own. And also you don't have to have your own to not wanna do it. Financially you will take care of everybody else before you even thinking of yourself.

If you are someone who has a really hard time spending any money on yourself, but as soon as anybody else is in any bit of financial turmoil, you are the one handing money to them. Big indicator of shit boundaries. You default to how anyone else feels all of the time. Think about conversations that you have when somebody is saying something that you do not agree with.

Do you stay quiet or do you say something and if you stay quiet, do you keep that person in your life? I'm not talking about someone who's a complete dumb ass and you know that you are never gonna be able to have an intelligent conversation with them. I'm talking about people that are friends, someone that you trust on some sort of level.

When they say something that is incredibly off from how you feel, do you stay quiet, but then still keep them around and then fester on it later? Thinking about the things that you wish you would've said.

These are all examples of someone who is really struggling with boundaries in their life. You are probably someone who was taught that your voice doesn't matter. I know I struggled with this growing up. I was silenced. I wasn't taught that my voice matters. If you grew up in a family that had any abusive caregivers.

Or neglectful caregivers, or you were the appointed person in the family to keep the peace. The peacemakers are taught to not have boundaries. You don't have to have an overtly abusive family that you came from to learn that you don't matter in school. This is.

Praised, especially when you are doing for other people. I know that when I was in school, we had these things called orange slips because where I went to school the mascot was an orange bear cat, whatever the fuck that is. Anyway and you were rewarded for what you did for other people.

Which that can be kind sometimes depending on the capacity that you have. But I wasn't really rewarded for just taking really good care of myself or you. I was also taught to be passive with teachers. That good old dynamic of kids are to be seen and not heard, which as someone who. Was born in the nineties.

I definitely grew up with teachers like this. Not sure how it is nowadays, but I know schools work very similar to how they did even 30 years ago. You have been taught, this is what I'm trying to say, you are not a bad person for having shit boundaries. This is what you were programmed to do. A lot of people think that because this is so ingrained in their programming, they think that having good boundaries is something that only people that came from healthy situations or maybe an ideal school setting, or had ideal caregivers has, which isn't the truth.

It just means that those of us who were not born. With healthy boundaries being taught healthy boundaries, this is a skill that we had to learn later in life, and it is an absolutely learnable skill. So that is good news for you. Anybody listening, you have the ability to learn healthy boundaries. Now, let's talk about what a life with good boundaries looks like.

And I'm gonna warn you that you might wanna tune out during this because you're gonna feel like this isn't possible, but this is incredibly possible. I have. Experienced it in my own life. My clients have experienced it in their own lives and. Many people never thought that I've worked with, never thought they could get to this place, but they did.

So let's talk about what good boundaries looks like. It's spending time with yourself and only spending time with others if that's what you want. Now, I'm not saying to banish your kids off to an island because they're not. They're not your vibe at the moment. I'm talking about when you have personal agency or the ability to.

Say no, that you do, exercise that and only say yes to being around other people when it feels good to you. If you're an introverted person like myself where you recharge by yourself, maybe you're an extrovert, ex introverted extrovert where you recharge alone, but you enjoy being around people only saying yes to going out and doing things with other people when you feel like it or only saying yes to babysitting for your sister's kids when you feel like it.

You do things for pleasure, not obligation. When you say yes to something, it's either because it's absolutely in your responsibilities or it's because it's something that you actually want to do. I know that seems like a very far-fetched life of, oh my gosh, how could I only do things when I feel like doing it outside of your absolute integral responsibilities of maybe caregiving for your kids.

Or going to your job and doing just your job duties, you have the ability to say no, and it frees up a lot of time to do things that you enjoy doing. It gives you a lot more energy. You know how to tell your boss No. I know that You feel like if you tell your boss no, or if you set any type of boundaries that.

You're gonna wake up one day to an email and your boss is gonna say You are fired. But here's the thing, if you have skills that they need, it is way more of a pain in the ass for 'em to fire you and rehire somebody else than it is for them to deal with your boundaries. If you are not exercising boundaries,

it is going to make your work life a living hell if you are never saying no to your boss. That's a problem.

Someone with healthy boundaries knows how to negotiate for jobs, knows how to negotiate for the hours that you want for the pay that you want, for the work environment that you want.

They know how to tell someone. No, I am not available at that time, but I'm available at this time for a meeting.

Boundaries starts even before you are in the job, because by the time that you're in the job. It is harder to negotiate for what you want, and having boundaries means that you know how much money that you need to be getting paid to live a happy, healthy life. You know the hours that you need to work have a story for this once upon a time, as likely by now, if you've been listening for any amount of time.

I used to be an admissions counselor at a university and the. University that I was working at when I was there for my training in the interview process, they told me I would only have to work one Saturday a month. Then by the time that I was in the training, by the end of the week of the training, which they had to fly me out of state to do they invested money in that.

They told me, oh no, someone told you wrong. It's every other weekend. Now I am out of state. I'm looking at this person straight in the face, and I am told her, are you telling me that I don't have a job? It would've been very easy and easier in that moment for me to just say, okay, that's fine. But I knew that if I had every other Saturday, a month or every other Saturday that I was working this job, not able to spend it with my family, not able to stay in a routine, that it would mess with my mental health.

And that was something that I was not willing to negotiate, especially when I had been told that upfront. I still got the job and I only had to work one weekend a month despite everybody else having to work two Saturdays a month. Now someone with healthy boundaries has friendships with people who are A, who value you, and you don't feel like you need to convince them when you share things.

I have struggled with this in friendships where I felt like I was on edge and I didn't realize that the reason for this is because I felt like I had to explain everything. Everything that I thought. If we disagreed. Even if I told them like, Hey, I disagree. I have told you that. This is why I feel this thing.

But they make you explain and explain and explain, and they just keep explaining why they feel the way they do. And they don't stop until you tell them you agree. Which if you have healthy boundaries, you're not going to, so you have friendships with people who value you. And you don't feel like you need to convince them when you share, you also have friendships where you feel like you can share hard things and they can share hard things, and you don't need to jump in to be each other's savior.

Now, that is a huge one. If someone shares something. Challenging that they're going on in their life, and your first indication is to be the person that makes sure that they don't have to go through that thing or makes it easier for them instead of just being able to allow space for them to be able to verbally process it.

It's a huge indicator that you are struggling with your boundaries. This was a huge one for me. I wanna take away everybody's pain.

Now when you have healthy boundaries, you are gonna have a lot more energy. You're gonna have time for things that make you excited and you're gonna give out of generosity, not obligation. If you have a friend that's reaching out to you because they're struggling financially and maybe they need X amount of money.

Are you gonna say yes because it's what you want to do in your heart? Or are you gonna say yes because you feel like you're a bad person if you don't? That is a big thing I want you to think about. If you are doing something or agreeing because you feel like you're a bad person, if you don't, it is a huge indicator that you are struggling in your boundaries.

Now I know that this I, life of good boundaries feels like it's something that's far off and it can never happen. And if you really believe that, you're probably not gonna take the steps to be able to live that life. So it will be your reality. But for those of you who are listening and know that's not the type of life that you wanna live, let's talk about the steps that you would take to unfuck your boundaries.

Step one, acknowledge it with compassion. Like I said, you did not choose to have crap boundaries. You were not choose. You were not. You did not consent to not having agency as a kid. You did not consent to being programmed to believe that you're a bad person if you're not doing for other people all of the time.

You did not consent to that.

So acknowledge it with compassion because the last thing that you'd need on this journey is to shame yourself for the struggles that you have because of things that were not in your control.

Now step two is accepting that you are the only person that can change this and that you are not hopeless. It can be really easy to fall into that being a martyr. You are programmed to be a martyr, to be the person who does everything for everybody else. But with that thought process, you will not be able to change your boundaries.

So accept that you are the only person and you are responsible for undergoing this journey. And take responsibility for having agency no matter what situation you are in. If you are, have the freedom to listen to this podcast right now. You do have agency to set boundaries in your life. Now step three, accept that this will be one of the hardest things that you'll ever have to do, but there's a much better life at the end of it.

Setting healthy boundaries is by far one of the hardest things that I've had to do in my life. I've had really hard things that have happened in my life. I lost my mom when I was 18 and I was still in high school. I. Worked through marriage issues that were really fucking hard. But even with those, a lot of those issues were boundary related.

The hardest things that I've had to do in my life had to do with unfucking, my own boundaries. So accept that this is going to be hard and that is okay because there is a much better life at the end of it. Now step four is starting to set those boundaries. Start to acknowledge the places that you are not setting boundaries.

When do you find yourself wishing that you would have said something and bitching about it to a friend or a therapist later when it could have been resolved by confronting the situation in that moment, start setting boundaries. Now it is not a the whole goal of this episode is not to just say, okay, the the solution is to start setting boundaries, period.

No. The solution is actually to get the help that you need to be able to set those boundaries. Step five is knowing that there is going to be a period that feels like shit before it gets better. There's gonna be a period of time where you are setting boundaries in your life, where you are not getting the satisfaction that you do of being a people pleaser.

You're not going to be getting the acceptance that you do when you are a people pleaser or the praise. Or the acknowledgement, and there's gonna be a period of time where you do not have the energy or the happiness that comes with setting healthy boundaries, but you only have the shit that comes with when you start to set them and know that is part of the process, which is why step six is very important, which is to make a conscious effort to build connections with people who have.

Healthy boundaries. Community is huge. Having people who can affirm you and say, Hey, no, that is a healthy boundary, or, Hey, you need to say something to this person that is huge in your process. I, this is a deep work that will likely require someone in your pocket helping you through this. This is why my clients hire me because they struggle with this.

It takes having someone who understands why this happens, how it happens, how it intersects with A DHD, especially when you have been overlooked your entire life, or you have been taught that the only good that you have is doing for other people or for being a perfectionist. When you have a DHD and you haven't been accepted because of the.

Ableism in this society, it's really easy to fall into people pleasing and lack of boundaries, and having someone who understands your neuro type and the added layer of

complications or the added layer of messiness of having an invisible disability is paramount to being able to work through this. It is easy to think that you're doing something wrong and revert to old ways without support. So if you resonate with this episode, I would love for you to come to my free webinar.

It's on September 23rd and it's called Before You Rage, quit Your Job. Try This. I have had a, I've done this webinar. As like an on demand. You can get the link at any time, but I decided I wanna do this live with you. I wanna talk about this with you. If you already opted into the Rage Quit webinar, but you haven't into the live one, don't worry.

I'm gonna be talking about things live that I did not talk about in that 20 minute video. So it's on September 23rd. Depending on where you are in the world, I'm in Denver, in the United or by Denver in the United States. So it's on September 23rd. It's free, it's in the show notes. Opt in and I will see you then.

Now I wanna say a huge thank you for those of you who are giving me five star reviews on Apple Podcast. I. Thank everyone who takes the time to go and take, give me a five star review. Reviews are a kind thing, not only to myself, but to others because it allows other people to find the podcast easier and get this information when they may not have otherwise.

So this review, I saw it a few days back and it came at a time where.

I just, I needed to hear it because even when you know that you're doing a lot of good things in the world, sometimes it's hard running a business and knowing that you are impacting people. It is huge to be able to keep going. So I wanna say a huge shout out to Katie h I'm gonna read this review because it meant so much to me.

Katie said, Jamie keeps it real, not afraid to address the hard topics and call us out where it is helpful. She doesn't do hard sales pitches in her content, and she acknowledges the ablest world in society we live in. She helps you learn to meet your own nervous system needs. Which then allows you to do the things that you find most challenging to focus on and complete.

Makes you feel like you can tackle anything in life in parentheses, as long as you hold good boundaries and take care of your brain's needs. Parent point and then the little emoji that's a hand going into a. Katie h Katie, I want you to know that review meant the world to me and I super duper appreciate it.

You are the B'S fricking knees, and if you could take a moment to go on Apple Podcast, if you have an iPhone, and give me a five star review, I will personally thank you on the next episode. It means the absolute world to me. All right, friends, I will see you at the webinar in a couple weeks and talk to you soon.

Bye now.

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It would mean the world to me. Thanks, my friend. Until next time.