How to Create a Life with Less Burnout: Overachiever Edition

  Welcome to the Outsmart ADHD podcast. I'm your host, Jamie Cuttino, board certified occupational therapist, two time TED speaker, ADHD coach, ADHD advocate, and reality show contestant. Now, let's talk about ADHD.

 Hello friends. Holy fuck. It's been such a long time since we've been able to hang out together. And it doesn't because it's not just because I'm just like, Oh, you know, I was over here twiddling my thumbs and just playing with my dogs. Although I was playing with my dogs a lot. Um, As much as I possibly could, because as I'm sure I've talked about before, I'm absolutely obsessed with them.

So much has been going on. So much has been going on in my life, so let me just give you the quick spark notes version, as I would any friend of mine. What's been going on lately? um Because I feel like it's been just a lot a lot has been going on professionally a lot has been going on personally I'm going to be open with you because I am an open book type of person Um, I once had a coach tell me I say coach so lightly pretty much to Create this facade that you have all of your shit together all of the time because if you have that Then people are going to want to work with you and pay you and whatnot.

I think it's a load of bullshit. I love working with my coach because she is very honest that she has struggles day to day, that she has a coach, that she has a therapist too, that she has a lot of things that goes on personally and professionally that she has to deal with. And. I think if someone wants to hire me because they think that I have all of my shit together, that they really shouldn't hire me.

And personally, I think if anyone parades around as if they have it all together, that it's a really beautiful costume for what's actually going on. So What was it? It was the end of October. I did my very first paid speaking gig. Um, prior to that, my only public speaking experience was doing my two TED talks, um, which was, is very different than a paid gig.

I know a lot of people think that like a TED talk is the height of, of public speaking. If you get a TED talk, it's the greatest thing in the world. And it is, and I'm so grateful for it. And it was an amazing experience, but it's very different. Putting together a 15 minute talk and getting just the trying to figure out how can I get this big message across in 15 minutes without any fluff because pretty much you don't have time to put fluff in it.

Um, and really to the meat of it. And then you, you, you pretty much perform in front of this crowd of people. And, um, You don't get paid for it. You work with a speaker coach and you go through the process of a lot of things that you would if you were a paid public speaker, but you're not. And it's so wildly different between doing that and what I did.

What I did was a 45 minute keynote, um, which I had to write and memorize, followed by a workshop. Um, And it was a lot of fucking work. So much fucking work. I found out that I got that paid gig when I was on my way to California to, um, to speak at a conference where I did a workshop for free, which I did for lead generation.

So I found out as I'm at the airport about to like, you know, get on this plane and I hear, okay, we're, we want to hire you. Um, anyone in the public speaking realm knows that it's not ever just a, They're gonna meet with you, they love you, they're gonna pay you. That's very, very rare. Typically, it's okay.

Well, let's see. Let's go get this. Um. This price okayed by our budget and the people that the powers that be there that are in charge of it So anyway, i'm i'm about to get on this plane and I find out in two weeks I am going to perform a 45 minute keynote and an hour workshop and I have None of the keynote done by that time.

I had done the workshop Um because it was the workshop I was going to be doing at this conference You In front of all of these people in higher education, um, which cue imposter syndrome right there. But then I find out I have to write and memorize a 45 minute keynote in two weeks. This is something I don't recommend.

If you're listening to this and you're like, I really want to get into public speaking. Do it. You can do it. There is not a special quality that you need as a public speaker, other than your ability to put yourself out there and do what. Feels like it's going to kill you in that moment because public speaking is so hard.

And there's a reason why it's like the number one fear ahead of dying, which is wild to me. Um, But if you want to do it, do it, but also if you can, don't put yourself in a position where you have two minutes or two weeks to memorize and write a 45 minute keynote. Thank freaking God that I was already working with my speaker coach who I worked with for the, uh, my second Ted talk and, um, started developing the, the workshop.

Um, Just a couple weeks prior to that because I found out I was selected to be a part of this conference Two fucking weeks prior to that event. So my my brain and my body was already pretty much maxed out I had quite a few one on one clients and when I say quite a few I think I had around like seven eight at that time Which is like about the most that I'll ever take on I won't ever take on more than ten So anyway, um Life just felt like a lot and I was writing this workshop, practicing it with my speaker coach, now I had two weeks to pretty much perfect this workshop, now I've got two weeks to perfect this fucking keynote, and meanwhile, when I'm doing consultations with these colleges, which is where I speak at, um, I'm telling them, you know, they're asking how long is your keynote, how long is your workshop, and I'm talking out of my ass, Knowing I'm going to deliver if they end up paying me, if they end up hiring me.

Um, but I want to get that money in my pocket or at least have it promised to me before hiring a speaker coach. That's the reality of business. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and then really make sure that you over deliver. Which is what my keynote and my workshop are about, um, with overcoming imposter syndrome.

When you have, uh, ADHD and autism and invisible disabilities and you come from not having money and, Being seen as an outsider. There's all those things that you have to overcome, um, in the meantime. So a solid month went to the writing and memorizing of this workshop and this keynote and the traveling to California for the conference, and then going to this, um, this, uh, It was a community college that hired me to do the keynote and the workshop and facing this imposter syndrome of, holy fuck, they're paying me 5, 000 to do this.

And I've never been paid for public speaking before. It was so much, it was so fucking much. I loved it. Um, I, I, I love connecting with people. I love doing it in person. My coaching is all virtual, so I love doing it in person, but it was a lot. There's a reason why I'm starting with all of this. It's going to pertain to this episode.

I swear. So anyway, my nervous system was pretty shot after that. I took an entire week, um, including the weekend. So it's like a solid nine days and I did nothing but watch TV. Eat Doritos and lay on my couch for an entire week. I told my clients that I wouldn't be available. Um, it's the first time I've ever done that in my business.

I was forced to take that fucking break. Um, I've been in business now for going on three years. In March it will be three years. And I had never allowed myself to take time off. But my body was at a point where I needed to take time off.

So that's where we're going to start what's been going on. Um, not to mention, personally, going through a lot, going through marriage therapy with my husband, um, and people that parade around like they have the perfect marriage and that they never go through things, I also would not trust them. Um, when you are neurodivergent, especially like diagnosed neurodivergent, there's shit that happens in your platonic and your, uh, romantic relationships that need to be, you I would say, I don't know, write it, write it from wronged.

Um, there's just things, there's things I didn't know about myself. There's things I didn't see clearly. Um, I'm grateful that I have a husband who wanted to work on those things, but I was to the point where I'm just like, listen, we have to work on this shit or else this isn't sustainable either. So there's all these different things in my life that I've had to.

Break down and build back up. I pretty much restructured the entirety of my business from, uh, small, like pretty much small group coaching to more so one on one coaching. Now throwing in the public speaking, everything in my life is vastly different than it was, um, eight months ago. Everything is different from my, uh, marriage to my business, to my personal life, to the, I'm really coming to terms with having the capability doesn't mean you have the capacity and that's what I want to get in to with you today.

So first of all. Let's talk about the definition of capable. Capable. Having the ability, fitness, or quality necessary to do or achieve a specified thing. That's capable. That's capability. Capacity. The maximum amount of something. Or the maximum amount that something can contain. So what I have been dealing with my friends and what you have probably come to terms with, or you're realizing on some level, whether it be conscious or unconscious, is that you have an amazing, brilliant brain.

You have all of these ideas. You want to do so much. You want to squeeze everything you possibly can out of life, but you have no idea. A fucking limited capacity and let's call it what it is when you have adhd I feel like you wake up and You have a cup, think of like a cup of water, and depending on how much sleep you got, how much sleep you've been consistently getting, how much support you have, you wake up with a certain amount of water in your cup, and that is your capacity.

And it's kind of hard to get any more than that, what that cup has in it at the beginning of your day. You pretty much know this is what you have to work with going into your day. Something can come in and completely fucking destroy it. Um, but rarely does something come in that gives you more capacity.

And I don't think this is talked about enough in, in life in general. I don't think it's talked about enough in the ADHD world because we're told, you know, having ADHD is a superpower. And even I will talk about ADHD of like, you have a brilliant brain, but that brilliant brain talks about your capability.

You're capable of doing a lot of things, my friend. You're capable. of running a business. You're capable of writing a book. You're capable of getting on stages. You're capable of being a really good parent. But your capacity is limited. I know. It sucks. This is something I've really had to grapple with lately.

I tried to do so much for other people. I was running a Facebook group of over almost 10, 000, uh, women with ADHD. It was up to like 8, 700 when I recently just shut it down. I wanted to give so much. To everybody all of the time. I wanted to help everybody that was in a situation that I had been in that they couldn't afford help.

I feel that so strongly because I've been in that situation before, but I got to the point that law of reciprocity, maybe that's not a law, but reciprocity wasn't happening. I wasn't getting clients from that Facebook group. They were coming from different places. The people that were in the Facebook group were saying things like you are classist for charging for your services or charging what I do, not even realizing that if they were to look behind the curtain, I'm charging what I charge so that I have the capacity To be able to give to those who can't afford my services, which I need time and energy to do So it's taken a lot.

It's taken a lot of really breaking down the people pleaser in me It's taken a lot of really coming to terms with I have a brilliant brain, clearly. I'm not going to and I don't really care if that sounds arrogant. And one thing I'm really working on is trying not to over explain myself. I realize that comes from trauma.

So I'm not going to explain that. People were being shitty to me in my group that I created that was meant to be a safe space for everybody where I wanted to give and it was not giving back to me. I only had a certain amount of water in that cup that I'd wake up with and that Facebook group was taking way more than I was able to sustain with everything else in my life.

I want to have the capacity to give back, but that also means taking a really good look at what I can give and what can create the greatest value. Um, what can create the greatest change in my life? That's why I really thought about, okay, what am I giving to this Facebook group? What am I getting back from it?

Am I enjoying it? It got to a point where I wasn't enjoying it anymore. And I was really thinking, how can I have this great change on those who really, really want to hear from me, who really want my help. And that's when I, Thought, okay, you know what? Fuck that Facebook group. I'm going to archive it. I'm going to switch to really focusing on the podcast and I'm really going to help those who really want help, who aren't just looking to complain, who really want to know what the fuck can I do to live a life that is slightly easier with ADHD because it's always going to be hard.

And that's the reality too. So that's how we got to where we are today. My friends, there's been so much going on. Um, last week I rear ended somebody and even with that, it was one of the calmest weeks I've had in a long time, which tells you something about how, um, life has been recently. It's been a fucking lot, so I really want to dive into this idea of capability and capacity because if you're listening to this, you're likely someone who wants something who wants more for their life, right?

You don't listen to self help podcasts like this that to, you know, live a life. A bigger, better life with ADHD. If you're not looking for more, if you don't want to squeeze everything you want out of life, um, you're going to go rant to somebody else about it if that's not what you're looking for. I know that you're the type of person who wants more for your life and who gets fucking fed up with your capacity despite your capability.

So I want to be really, really clear. You're capable because you have a brilliant brain. But you have a limited capacity because of how your brain is wired, the executive functioning that you have, um, and you have to be really strategic about how you do life because of that. Okay, so let's talk a little bit about this.

I had to learn how to restructure my life based off of what do I really want? I had to ask myself that question. What do I really want and what is really a priority to me? Because let's talk about if I lived in a fictional world where I had unlimited capacity, holy fuck the things that I would be doing, my friend.

I would still be running that Facebook group and probably just giving a little bit more attitude to the people that are shitty to me or banning them. I would be Going to a gym every day. Um, Because, you know, getting dressed and getting out the door and getting to a gym wouldn't take all of the fucking spoons and, and, you know, water out of my cup of capacity that it, that it does.

Um, I would be I would probably have the ability to schedule coaching clients on the same day that I have my individual and my, uh, marriage therapy. I would be taking my dogs for a walk every single day. I would be keeping up with all of my friends. Some I haven't, I talk to regularly. Very rarely, some of them go months at a time without really speaking to them.

I would be working with more clients so that I could charge less money to make myself even more available to those who want to work with me one on one. These are all the things I would be doing if I had unlimited capacity. But the truth of it is. I have ADHD, I have autism, I'm dealing with a lot of, uh, past traumas in my life through therapy.

There's a lot going on and I have a limited capacity. So I really had to ask myself, what is important to me? What is actually really, really important to me? One, my marriage. It's really important to me. If I can't work on that, that boat's gonna fucking sink. Joe and I are both at a point where we know we both have to work hard on this thing or this motherfucker's gonna sink.

Now we feel confident that, okay, the boat's not sinking. We got some water out of the boat. It started like, you know, there was a small, there was a, there was a leak in this boat, but you know what? We patched it. Um. AKA getting a therapist and we started working on shit that has been built up for the last almost seven years that we've been together.

We started taking a bucket and you know, throwing some of the water out of that boat and we're at a point where like, you know what, this boat, I know we're going to get to a point where we can completely repair it and we're going to get all the water out of it. But for right now, it's going to take a lot of work to get the water out of this boat because a lot has come into this boat while that hole was letting water in.

That leak was com that leak was allowing water to come in. Um, so, anyway. What, uh, two priorities, one is my marriage and two, making money. Why? Because if you don't have money, how the fuck can you sustain your life? And I think this is a reality that a lot of people don't talk about. It's a, something that I talk about in my keynote and my workshop.

Money has a lot of shame around it, especially for women who have been taught, women and people who are socialized as women, um, and AFAB who have been taught to give endlessly without receiving. So let me be very, very clear. Those are my two priorities right now, my marriage and making money. Um, I love my business.

I love being able to positively impact people, but the Facebook group that took so much of my energy without reciprocity of clients, because the whole idea was I'm going to have this free Facebook group. I'm going to get clients from it. And that's, what's going to fuel having this free resource that is so valuable to so many people.

But without the money, it's not possible. So those are my two priorities, my marriage and making sure that my business grows to a point that is sustainable for me and for my family and the life that I want to live and the life I've worked very hard to live. So I had to restructure everything in my life.

If I didn't, I would burn out just the way that I had in other, during other times. So if you're in this place where you feel like you are giving so much, And you're brilliant and you have so many ideas. What do you do when you think about all of the things that you are capable of, but you don't have the fucking capacity for this is as I'm going to, I'm going to borrow this from Mel Robbins.

This is not just a learning podcast. This is a doing podcast. So what do you do with that information? I'm going to make it very, very, very clear and very black and white. I feel like it's, maybe it's my autistic black and white, super black and white thinking. Um, That wants to make sure that you leave with something that you can actually, you know, take this and do something with it.

One, get very honest with yourself, with the capacity that you have. Get very honest with yourself. People that tell you it is a limiting belief, um, that you, you know, have limited, limited capacity. It's such an ableist perspective as someone who is disabled, as someone who has ADHD, which if you have ADHD, it is a disability.

And that is not a bad word. Okay. You do have a limited capacity. A disability has to greatly impact one or more areas of your life and ADHD impacts every single area of your life. It is a disability. It's going to affect the executive functioning that you have, the ability to follow through on things. It affects your relationships, your work, it affects everything.

So number one, Is accepting the fact that you do have a limited capacity despite how fucking brilliant you are. And it is okay to grieve that fact. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to look at neurotypical people and feel jealousy or anger or anything. It does not make you a bad person. It makes you a person with ADHD that loves life and wants to give more to it, but also needs to receive to be able to continue going.

It's okay to be mad about that. Yesterday I sent my husband a text message. I also vented to my coach. I'm going to let you know what I sent to my husband and let you know, like the, I am doing the right thing. this work with you. Um, I'm scrolling to find it. Okay. Here it is. I sent it yesterday at 2. 28 my time.

Um, so for context, I had downloaded a few games on my phone, which, um, Not, not a great thing because I went back into the habit of like starting my day like that, which I also don't have the capacity to do. Um, because it takes up so much of my dopamine and my executive functioning. So anyway, Um, but I was having a lot of fun playing these games, so I texted him.

He works in his office right next to my office, but I was downstairs, um, on the couch. So I texted him. I just deleted my phone apps. I can't use my dopamine on them or I can't function. I hate this brain. Genuinely. I'd love to be a neurotypical and work a nine to five and be able to ask people how they're doing without actually caring what they say.

I let myself have a moment. I let myself be angry. I let myself. Really feel the depth of capability over capacity. I let myself be frustrated. Um, I let myself be better. Because I think if you don't accept those emotions and really let them be, they're going to stay in your body. It's not one of those things that you can just toxic positivity your way through.

You really have to feel it and accept it to be able to move through it. So when I feel, I feel deeply. And if I am able to and have the space to be able to, I let myself feel my emotions at that moment, so they are not boiling over into my body. The rest of my life and my day being ADHD and autistic, it takes me a long time to regulate.

So even that I have to be very strategic about. Um, so step one is really just accept the fact that you have a limited capacity despite your capability. Step two, really look at what's a priority in your life. You're not going to be able to do every single thing that you want. And that fucking sucks. And I'm here to tell you that that fucking sucks.

It doesn't mean that you can't live a fulfilling life. It doesn't mean that you can't do the things that are very, very important to you. It means that you have to be very, very diligent and structure your day in a specific way to make sure that you can do the things that are most important to you. If it is really important for you.

To start a business. It might mean that for a while you're eating chicken nuggets and, um, pizza rolls because you don't have the capacity to cook. It might mean that you're ordering more food. It might mean that you have to figure out a way to make quick, easy food that still fits in your budget. If your, um, focus is being a really, really great mom, it might mean that.

Saying yes to that phone call when your sister calls and wants to talk about, you know, the piece of shit boyfriend that she's let back into her life again. It might mean that you're ignoring that phone call or telling her that you don't have the capacity to be there for her in the way that she needs in this moment.

If you're really prioritizing your physical health. It might mean that you're taking more time to cook and exercise, or that you are taking time in the beginning of the day to really, like, listen to a meditation app and get your head in the right headspace for your mental health. Whatever your priority is, You have to create a life around those top priorities, because the, the reality of it is, unless you have the, like, unlimited resources to pretty much outsource, um, the other parts of your life, you're really only going to be able to focus on a few parts of your life.

I think of it almost like a business, too. Anyone who has a business knows that, um, That you don't do everything in the beginning. You do, because there's no other option. You don't have the revenue otherwise, but it's not until you can afford that outside help, that things really, really grow. And that outside help can be in the form of a coach.

It could be in the form of an employee, a virtual assistant, something. But I think about that, the CEOs of businesses, they don't do everything. They delegate it, but you're the CEO of your own life, and there's only a few things that you're going to be able to really focus on and still to do those things.

It requires support. Um, thank fucking God that I have a husband that will ask me if I need to eat or if I need water because even things like that, um, poor interception, um, skills or feelings. I can't, I don't know what to call that, but, um, A lot of times I'm not even seeing that. I have support in my daily life and I know that not everyone's in that place.

But anyway, the second or first step is, um, what are your priorities? Second step is really to create a life around those priorities. And the third step is to reassess. Is this working? Is this actually working? Do you have the skill or the the spoons that you need, the capacity to do the top maybe two things that are really really important to you?

And if not, it's time to look at something. Because if you don't, burnout is inevitable. It's not an if, it's a when. So my friends, this episode, it might have pissed you off a little bit and I'm okay with that. I hope that it was validating. I hope that you realize that you are an absolutely brilliant human.

You wouldn't listen to this podcast if you weren't, you wouldn't listen to this podcast if you weren't looking for more out of life, but it's time to really look at your capacity that you have and to create a life around the maybe top two things that are most important to you. Because if you can do that, you're going to be excited to wake up in the morning.

Okay. That is it, my friends. I'm going to be here with you more consistently. I'm not going to promise you every week though I would do my damn best of it. And my sincere hope is that shutting down that Facebook group and really creating a life around my channel. Uh, two top goals is going to allow me to show up to, for you more consistently.

I hope that you have an amazing rest of your week, whenever this is finally published, and I want you to know that I believe in you and your ability to create a life that is around the things that are most important to you until next time.

 Are you a high achieving woman with ADHD looking for a coach or maybe an event coordinator looking for a wildly captivating speaker? Perfect. Go to outsmartadhd. co that's outsmartadhd. co to get in touch. And before I forget, would you mind taking a minute to share this podcast with someone you love? It would mean the world to me.

Thanks my friend until next time.