How to Make a Difference When You Have a High Sense of Justice & Low Energy

  Welcome to the Outsmart ADHD podcast. I'm your host, Jamie Cutino, board certified occupational therapist, two time TED speaker, ADHD coach, ADHD advocate, and reality show contestant. Now, let's talk about ADHD.

 Hello friends,

getting to this point where I could just collect my thoughts and talk about what I want to talk about today. It took some conscious effort, took a lot of conscious effort to be quite honest with you. I took a two day hiatus from social media because if you don't know, it turns out there's a lot going on in the United States right now.

There's a lot of fear, there's a lot of sadness, there's a lot, there's just a lot of fear of what the next four years are going to look like and to say I am not scared would be complete bullshit. So let me be honest with you, there is fear. And I had to take a two day hiatus from social media because it was just taking everything the fuck out of me to where I didn't have the energy to give to anybody else, to myself, most importantly to myself, to just be able to.

And somebody commented on one of my posts, because I put a post that, you know, as someone with a high sense of justice, I'm going to be using my voice, but I'm also going to be using the block button. And someone commented, I would love a podcast episode about this. So, to that amazing human, I can't remember exactly who it is, because ADHD, but I want you to know that I really appreciate you suggesting that this be a podcast episode, because I didn't think about it prior to that.

I always want to know more about what you want to hear about, what you would like advice on. I am all about that. Honestly, it really helps me to know that and to not have as much decision fatigue of what the fuck do they really want to, want me to talk about. I would rather that you just tell me to be quite honest.

So today we're talking about how to balance that high sense of justice when you have low energy. As someone that's ADHD and autistic, I don't have a lot of energy, especially because as I've been very open with all of you, it's been a journey of healing from burnout. It's been a journey restructuring my business to be one that doesn't burn me out, one that's enjoyable, one that I'm able to put in the hours that my body and my brain can sustain while keeping myself regulated.

It has been a journey. And then throw in all that's happened with this election, it has taken even more conscious effort to stay as regulated as fucking possible.

So, some boundaries that I've put in recently are being off of social media and also putting up boundaries with other people. So, if you're wondering what the fuck do you do when you have a high sense of justice but low energy and you want to make a difference, we're going to go through three distinct steps.

of how you do that. I know a lot of people listening have, also have chronic illnesses, chronic pain. There's a lot of different factors that limit you from all the things that you want to do. We talked before about capability versus capacity. You have the capability to do a lot of things. You have the capacity to do a few very things.

So, this is a three step process, taking that into consideration, not being ableist, not telling you to do all the things all the time. You've already been told that by neurotypicals. I'm not going to be that person. Here's what the fuck you can do. Put on your own oxygen mask. We've all heard that saying of, you know, if the plane's going down, you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you put it on other people.

Now, this is really, really challenging. When you grew up in a home that had emotionally immature parents and you were expected to be everything for everybody else all of the time. I know in my own home specifically when my dad was home, we had to do whatever was needed in order to keep him calm in order to make sure that he wasn't abusive.

Even though there's not a way to, you know, to really do that. And anyone that has grown up in a home like that knows that. But you walk on eggshells and all of your energy goes towards regulating other people first. So it can be really hard when you grow up that way. Those things that were ingrained in you in childhood are a fuck of a lot harder to undo than things that are learned in adulthood.

So let me just be the first one to tell you. That I know you want to do a lot of amazing things, but you are not able to do any of them until you put your oxygen mask on first. You have a high sense of justice and pattern recognition, and that's why a lot of you listening to this, especially those who are in the United States, are feeling outrage for minority communities.

You're feeling outrage for women, for LGBTQIA for immigrants, for Disabled people, for people who have had to fight so hard to have a voice and to be recognized, and it's so valid, and your pattern recognition of seeing history repeat itself, also has you in a lot of fear. And a lot of times when you feel that fear, it's gonna trigger, I need to do something.

But I want you to also know that, that I need to do something and I have to be the one to do it all by myself and save everybody, a lot of times that also comes from childhood. For more UN videos visit www. un. org So, I want to talk to that little person inside of you, that little three year old version of you, that feels like you need to save the entire world right now completely on your own.

I want you to give them a big hug and tell them that we're going to do this together. And that first, that little person needs to put on their oxygen mask. For me, that was staying off of social media for a couple days. For you, it might be staying off of social media for a while. It might be connecting with people who are feeling the same way as you, but can help you to be regulated.

It might mean that you need to disengage with anything that has to do with what's going on in the world right now, and play a game. Watch Netflix. I have been just playing games on my phone watching TV, hanging out with my husband and playing with my dogs. And that's really been it. I got my guitar out for the first time in probably 12 years.

I don't haven't touched it since I was 18. And I realized that I have been so out of touch with myself and I have not been grounded and really needed to get back to something that gives me a creative outlet. It felt so good to do that for the first time in over a decade, to really just get in touch with myself again.

I also want to Legitimize that if you are feeling attacked right now, there's a lot of people who are using this tactic where they're doing outrageous things to minority communities. And then those who are infected are feeling it so strongly. And even if we're not affected by everything directly, I'm a white person, I am not being affected by what's happening to minority groups and to immigrants, but seeing all of this is causing so much outrage, and it's so valid, and a lot of us are being told that we are not kind people because we feel outraged and because we are angry.

This is a tactic often used by narcissistic people. They provoke, they're mean, they're vile, and then they will tell you that you are crazy for having a reaction. I want you to know this. There's not a lot you can do with people like this other than to distance yourself from them. It's not, you can't do much by engaging with them.

They are not people who are looking to change their minds. They are not people who are curious if their thoughts are not accurate. They're not looking for that. They're looking to cause a reaction so that they can point the finger at you and then tell you that you're crazy. This happened to me recently.

I have a brother in law who commented on a post of mine just to provoke me. It was a very uneducated thought, especially since it had to do with autistic people. And he didn't like that post, so he commented something that was very ignorant because he doesn't know about autism. So I blocked him. Because I am not going to be spending my time seeing someone treat people, especially in my community and myself in that disrespectful way.

So I blocked him on Facebook. He proceeded to send me an antagonizing message on the messaging platform that I use with my clients and my family. And I blocked him there and then he sent an antagonizing message to my husband. What I want to tell you is that people like this There's nothing you can do with them other than to try to protect yourself and your peace so that you're able to do good things with yourself, so that you're able to ground yourself, and then to take action.

But the first step, and the one we're talking about right now, is putting on your own oxygen mask. Invalidating your feelings because they are so valid. Another thing I don't want you to do is to have this sadness and this outrage and try to smile on top of it. Fake positivity I'm trying to think of the exact word for it toxic positivity.

It's not helpful. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be sad. It's okay. Emotionally immature people. happen when they don't acknowledge their own emotions, when they don't look inward and they point everything outward. Don't be that person. Don't contribute to the problem in that way. Take a look inward, understand what's going on and validate that anger and that pain.

And the faster that you validate that anger and that pain, the quicker it's going to move through your body. Think about when you're upset and you go to a friend and instead of that friend listening, they're giving you advice. Does it make that emotion go away? No. Sometimes you just need that friend to listen to you and validate that, you know what, what you're going through sucks right now.

So be that person for yourself if you don't have that person doing it to you. Okay, so it's time to figure out how to put on your own oxygen mask. To recap that first step, put up energetic boundaries, put up physical boundaries, put up electronic boundaries, block who you need to block on social media, on your phone, on messaging apps.

Do what you have to do to stay grounded. It is not your job to change these people. They do not want to change. They do not care. And I know it's really hard to think like that because being the kind and compassionate person you are, it's hard to believe that other people don't care. But it's the truth.

Some people don't care, and some people don't care to understand facts and logic, and the lived experiences of other people that they haven't had to come face to face with. Okay? And find some type of creative outlet if you can. To keep, get yourself even more grounded. I was so surprised of how quickly I was able to get back into that state of just being able to focus on myself when I was playing my guitar.

Okay. Step two, I touched on this in step one, but it's creating boundaries. Step one was more so of what you have to do for your inner self and keep making your environment quieter. Step two, create some boundaries. You don't have to stay quiet on your opinions just because your family feels very differently than you.

For myself and for my husband, we both come from very conservative Catholic families who are not very Gosh, you know what? I'm not going to worry about a political, politically correct way to say it. They are not people who give a fuck about the LGBTQ plus community, minorities disabled people. They have not thought about their lived experiences outside of their own, and it sucks.

And unfortunately, you're going to have to create boundaries with those people. You do not have to stay quiet. You can have a voice. You can have a voice on social media. You can have a voice in whatever advocacy work that you do, but I want to say instead of just, okay, hang on. This is what I meant to say.

When you're deciding what type of boundaries to put up with, to, to put in with people, I want you to ask yourself some questions. Number one, how does this person make me feel? Really think about it. If there's a really difficult person in your life, and you're wondering, I'm not sure what type of boundaries I should put up with this person.

Ask yourself, how does this person make me feel? Does this person listen to me when I have something to say? Am I justifying interactions with this person because they are family? Am I justifying interactions with this person because they are an elderly person, an older person? Are you telling yourself that they don't have a way of knowing better?

I used this analogy with my husband yesterday. Because he was trying to figure out, you know, am I being too hard on my parents? And I explained to him, your parents have had 60 years on this earth, you have had 30, and they've had the same opportunities that you have had to go to therapy, to read books, to understand other people's lived experiences.

There is nothing that you have, there's no resources that you have that they do not have to do that. When you have people like that, And they're ever so plainly showing you and telling you exactly what they think and how they feel. And you're feeling small when you're around them. I want you to pay very, very close attention to how you feel.

And use that as a north star of your boundaries. If there is someone who has shown you over 10 years that they are not going to respect your boundaries, your thoughts, your insights, that they don't have any interest in having a meaningful conversation with you to try to find a middle ground and push their opinions, then you can use that information to set boundaries.

I am reading a book called Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and it's the like And it talks specifically about something that I want to share with you, which is that Emotionally immature parents instill in you at a young age to not really pay attention to your feelings, but pay attention to logic.

Because if you pay attention to logic, which is something that they can implant in you, then you will eventually ignore those feelings. Which feelings are never wrong. Feelings are never wrong. Feelings are a North Star. When we were kids, we were taught at a very young age how to, you know, push for what we need.

If we were hungry, if we were sad, if we needed a hug, if whatever we needed, we knew how to advocate for it. Even as babies, fuck, we know how to cry when we need to be fed or we need a nap or whatnot. But when you grow up in families like this, you're taught to not listen to yourself, your own intuition and your own feelings and therefore listen to how they programmed you.

And if you listen to that, eventually you will give up boundaries because you will listen to this, I'm using air quotes and with my fingers, logic of you have to excuse your behavior because of X, Y, Z. Let me be the first person to tell you if someone hasn't told you already, that's not an excuse. The boundaries that you have with people should not be dependent on blood relation, family, how long you've been friends with them.

When someone shows you who they are, Use that information and act accordingly.

Okay. So, that was step two. Create boundaries. Step three. This is probably the step that you're most excited about because when you feel so much injustice going on around you, You want to be able to do something. You want to be able to create a difference. You're a very caring, empathetic, intelligent person.

That's why you're listening to this podcast. This podcast would not appeal to you if you weren't that person. So it's time to do something once you've had your oxygen mask on. Again, please do not skip steps one and two. Step three will not work. You will burn out. You will not be able to sustain this, but when you're ready to do something,

what can you do? White supremacy specifically teaches us that our culture is very individualistic and it's made that way purposefully. It's really hard to get ahead when you have to do everything on your own. And again, if you grow up in a family where you had to be The one saving yourself all the time.

You're taught that communities don't really matter or that they're not there for you. Deep change happens in communities. It happens in organizations that have already been going on for decades or centuries. It goes in creating community, but more importantly, joining already established communities.

You can't save this world alone. And that's another white supremacy type of thought.

And if you're wondering, am I doing enough? Cause I have this thought of, am I doing enough? Because I want to be doing as much good as I possibly can in the world. But I also realized that my thought of I need to fix everything immediately is also a white supremacy thought and shout out to my, my coach, Lorraine, for pointing this out to me.

It's not going to happen overnight. And when it does happen, it's going to happen in communities. It's going to happen in groups that have already been established. And if you're wondering what, or am I doing enough? You are doing enough. If you are doing what you can while maintaining regulation and your mental health, period, period.

For some of you, that means. Cutting out all social media, going to work, getting your paycheck, coming home, and making sure that you and your family are safe. For other people, it's going to be creating boundaries with family and then doing the work in your business that you know makes a difference.

That's the place that I'm in right now. I know that my business makes a huge difference. I know this podcast makes a huge difference. I know that speaking at colleges to underrepresented students makes a huge difference. I know that my ADHD coaching business is empowering ADHD women to become the leaders that this world fucking needs right now.

That's what it looks like for me. But if you want some ideas of other things that you can do that doesn't take a lot of time or energy, I have a list of 20 things. Thank you, ChatGPT, for helping me with this list. Okay? Alright. So, I specifically asked, give me a list of 20 things that white people can do that cost zero money and little energy to be an ally for LGBTQIA minorities, immigrants, and women.

If you are not white, you may be in a different type of privileged position. Anyway, if you have privilege to leverage, here's how you can use it. Number one, educate yourself. Spend time learning about history, the struggles, and cultures of these groups. Acknowledge, or knowledge is a powerful tool for empathy and understanding.

Maybe there's books. Go on TikTok and scroll and see. What are people that are in these communities? What books do they recommend? Don't go to these people who have already been fucking struggling for so long for a voice and ask them for their advice. They're already giving you so much free advice. Go to TikTok and look it up.

There's so many really great book advice or like book recommendations. Number two, actively listen. Give space for these voices to be heard without inserting your own experiences or biases. For me, I am a white woman. I am a white woman before I am a queer woman and a disabled woman. I am white. I need to be creating space and uplifting voices of people of color, of black people, of people that have experiences outside of my own.

It's time to hand a microphone over to these people.

Okay, I guess that goes to number three, is amplify underrepresented voices. Share articles, posts, and resources from LGBT, minority, immigrant, and female voices on your social media. Repost. You don't have to be creating this content. Just simply repost it. The algorithm is really screwed up when it comes to, I know specifically I've heard people on TikTok talk about how the TikTok algorithm favors white people repost, be the person that hands over that microphone.

Challenge racist jokes. If someone makes a joke that's offensive, call it out calmly and explain why it's harmful. You don't have to be quiet. It's actually very harmful to be quiet when people are saying blatantly racist things. This is why so many of us are in such an uproar about Musk and that. It's completely fucking outrageous.

Not saying something is allowing it to happen. And these It's not even a small thing, because that was insane. Out just wild. But When people feel comfortable being outwardly racist, it only amplifies them to feel like they have more and more power. Take that power away. Be that person that makes them very uncomfortable at family gatherings.

Use inclusive language. Adopt gender neutral language and learn the preferred pronouns of the people around you. This is something that Is new, right? It's not been around a long time that we ask people, what are their pronouns? This is something that I do when I when someone's on my podcast, I specifically ask them for their pronouns.

And I really don't give a shit if people think that that's, I don't, I don't care about their opinions on it. I've had people literally write on it that they're not going to give that question the time of day. That's fine, but you're still going to answer that fucking question or else you're not going to be on my podcast.

All right, support minority owned businesses. That's number seven. While this can include spending money, simply promoting these businesses on your social media or to friends or to your friends that can also help. So Buy from minority owned businesses, support minority owned businesses. If you're listening to a minority run podcast, leave a comment, leave a review, share it with other people.

Again, hand over that microphone. Number eight, engage in conversations about equality. Discuss issues of inequality and injustice in your circles to raise awareness. I think that just goes to Ask questions to people who have those lived experiences and even beyond asking questions, listen to their content.

Specifically seek out that content. Seek out the book. Seek out these people have already put so much emotional labor into trying to educate. Simply go and listen to what they've already been telling you. Number nine, volunteer for organization or for organizations. Offer your skills to organizations working for civil rights and advocacy, even if it's just a few hours a month.

Now for myself, my spoons are very limited for myself. This is going to look more like donating. If you can donate, donate. If you can be boots on the ground, be boots on the ground. Number 10, attend workshops or webinars. Join free events that are designated to educate and foster dialogue around these topics.

Even if it's that you're on LinkedIn and you see that someone's putting on a webinar and it's from a person of color or a someone's LGBTQ plus or a woman, like go to these webinars, go to these summits, go places. There are a lot of free places. Workshops and webinars that you can attend to learn more.

Number 11, stand up against harassment. If you see someone being harassed, intervene safely or distract to defuse the situation. My coach said that she taught her because she has Sons who are both white and she said if you see someone that's a person of color being pulled over Pull over with them start recording legally You can do that and that other person will know that someone else has their back Respect cultural differences make an effort to understand and respect cultural practices and holidays that are different from your own We get a lot of opinions or we have a lot of opinions about things that we know Not shit about shut the fuck up and listen to people who are in those cultures You Does that that ritual really mean what you, what you think it means?

Does a hijab really mean that a woman is being oppressed? Go and listen to those people talk about it. Also that reminds me, on Netflix there's a really cool series and it's called You Can't Ask That. And that's where that episode, that thought specifically came from. There is an episode about Muslim people and these ideas around the Muslim culture and religion.

That's just completely not true. So this, that series is really awesome. You can't ask that on Netflix. I highly recommend going there. They have every episode is a different group of people that you're able to ask, or they are, they were asked the taboo questions. It's really cool. All right. Number 13, correct misinformation of friends and family members sharing correct information about these groups provide correct details and sources.

Which is what I've been doing with my in laws, and they have not been fuckin listening. But, if you have some that are willing to listen, and even if they're not, don't be quiet about it. Share that information with them. Be mindful of space. Recognize when your presence in certain spaces may not be helpful and choose to step back.

Especially, I'm looking at you, fellow white people, with privilege. Sometimes it's time for you to shut the fuck up. Know when to shut the fuck up. Ask when it's time for you to shut the fuck up, when it's time for you to have a voice. Alright? Number 15, support art and media from these communities.

Watch movies, read books, and listen to music created by these minorities. And share your genuine appreciation can also influence others. Number 16, normalize conversations around privilege. Discuss privilege openly and how it impacts societal structures and individual lives. A lot of people are not wanting to talk about privilege because if they did It would completely implode everything that they have built their life around, their culture on, their thoughts, their beliefs, everything would implode.

It's time to have a lot more of those conversations. Okay, number 17, advocate for institutional change, support policies and leaders who are committed to equality and justice for underrepresented groups. Looking at United States, I really hope you learn something over the next four years. Number 18, recognize and acknowledge microaggressions, learn what microaggressions are, and actively work to avoid them.

A shout out to my old coworker, Alvina, who shared with me that Saying girl to a black woman is actually a microaggression, something I didn't understand before. So if you're ever going to refer to a black You know, refer to a black woman, call them what they are, a black woman, not a black girl.

If you want to call a white woman a white girl, fine, do it all fucking day. But if you're talking about a black woman, call her a black woman. Be patient with others learning processes. Understand that everyone is at a different stage in their journey toward allyship. Oh, I had a really hard conversation with my mother in law, and it took a lot of emotional energy to try to ask questions to understand why she feels the way she does and question those beliefs to get to the root of why she believes those things, which came back to she believes it because the media pushed this agenda.

If you have that in you, ask those questions and try to facilitate that learning. But again, if they, if you don't have the energy, don't, and don't. If they have absolutely zero interest and they are only pretending to give a fuck to keep some semblance of a relationship with you or to uphold this idea of, you know, this image of their perfect family and that everyone gets along despite, you know, they have a son and a daughter in law who have vastly different fucking opinions, you don't have to have patience for those people.

But for those who have a chance, ask questions. And be patient with their process of trying to understand the lived experiences of other people. And number 20, which I think is probably the most important. Reflect on your own biases. Regularly take time to reflect on your own prejudices and strive to overcome them.

I'm talking about racism. Ableism homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, all of these biases, the patriarchy, we have internalized a lot of thoughts that didn't come from a conscious thought or because you're a bad person, but because of how you were raised and what you were taught to believe. These were instilled in you far before you had control over conscious thoughts.

And it doesn't make you a bad per bad person, but to be able to really deeply do this work, it is first, it first comes from deconstructing your own thoughts and your own beliefs. Okay, my friend, I hope you feel empowered to do something to create change and to first take care of yourself. Until next time, bye now!

 Are you a high achieving woman with ADHD looking for a coach or maybe an event coordinator looking for a wildly captivating speaker? Perfect. Go to OutsmartADHD. co. That's OutsmartADHD. co to get in touch. And before I forget, would you mind taking a minute to share this podcast with someone you love? It would mean the world to me.

Thanks my friend. Until next time.